Friday, March 9, 2012

"God Gave Me a Song" . . . No, really . . .

Many of my family members love the Christian comedian Tim Hawkins.  He says things that everyone thinks, but most won't SAY out loud.  So when I started to write this post about a song God brought to mind and then used to minister to me - I couldn't help but think of this clip from Tim Hawkins' Full Range of Motion DVD.

Okay - so God really DID give me a song last night. But I didn't write it. So I think it's safe to share the information about it in this blog!

I am a huge Amy Grant fan, I always have been. And when I heard the new song by Nichole Nordeman and Amy Grant (from Music inspired by "The Story") entitled "I'm With You" several months ago - I loved it and downloaded it. I played it a lot in the car and my youngest daughter really liked it too. We said maybe we should sing it someday.

I also downloaded the sheet music about a month ago so I could learn it on the piano - but then never really did anything with it.

Last night, I sat down at the piano and asked my daughter if we should learn the song. She got excited and we sat down and started learning the words. I had never really paid attention to the words. I should have. As we learned the song together - the tears were running down my cheeks as my little girl in her sweet 8-year-old voice sang about how we are going to get through this difficult time together and how much God loves us.

Isn't it amazing how God's timing just WORKS?

Here is a video of the song with the lyrics - and maybe in a few weeks I'll share us SINGING the song and then you can decide if we should say God gave the song to us or if we should give it BACK!! Ha ha.

I hope you all have a blessed weekend.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Keeping the anger monster at bay . . . barely.

I'm going to be honest.  I've started several posts over the past several days.  They were born out of anger and bitterness and a sense of injustice.  I'm still writing them.  But I probably won't publish them.

Yesterday I was informed that my ex is already moving in with his new girlfriend.  I have never felt so angry.  I literally did not know how to react or how to stop being angry.  I am usually a peaceful person - and yesterday I was a walking example of the exact opposite of peace.

I know, I know.  People who know the situation are probably saying . . .

  • Who cares?  You're better off!
  • His true colors will come out - don't worry.
  • Why do you care?  You got rid of him - let her have him.
  • Move on.
I know that all of these things are most likely true - but you need to understand something about me.  When I gave my heart - I gave all of it.  When I care about someone or something, I jump in with both feet, both hands, my whole entire being.  When I said "I do" - I expected it to be forever.  This week, I walked out in the back yard and found a stone I'd purchased for our anniversary one year that says "Grow Old Along With Me" with our names and anniversary date.  I started crying and couldn't breathe.

How can anyone, after 10  years of marriage and adopting 3 children together move on so easily?  A good friend of mine helped me realize that my reactions and emotions are normal.  But my issue is that I just cannot comprehend how he does NOT hurt like this.  And part of me WANTS him to hurt like this.  And it angers me that people around him talk about how much he has changed and how different he is and how happy he looks.  DOES ANYONE CARE THAT HE SHATTERED A FAMILY TO GET TO THIS POINT?  Or that people said the same thing about him when he met me?  (oops, there's that anger monster rearing its head again.)

I was angry and hurt for myself - but mostly, I was angry and upset about what his actions are showing to our children.  They finally were brave enough to tell the truth so that I could start protecting them.  And now - he has a new family.  What are they learning about love?  About marriage?  How is it fair that these babies have had so much hurt and loss in their young lives and he just perpetuated it?  Why is it fair that they are well-behaved and happy when they are with him, because they are still afraid to be real and then they come home to me and act up because they are finally able to let their confusion of emotions out?  IT ISN'T FAIR.  But I cannot change it.  I can only do the best that I can and help the kids as much as possible when they are with me.  It is so hard to go from acceptance and a 'readiness to move on' one day to complete and utter despair and anger the next.  It's exhausting.

Last night - I honestly did not think I could do it anymore.  I could not stop crying.  My youngest daughter was having the same issues.  The two of us took a walk with our dogs and I cried the whole time.  She held my hand.  She didn't say anything except to ask me every few minutes if I was okay.  When we got home, I told her we would get through it together.  One step at a time.  She curled up next to me in bed and I sang "In the Garden" as she fell asleep.  I just kept holding on to the "And He walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His own."  And I thanked God for the strong women in my life who were/are examples that I WILL live through this.

Another good friend sent me a message to remind me that my worth does not come from my ex-husband.  And that nothing that he and his new girlfriend do define who I am.  I needed to hear that.  I am not the angry/weepy mess that I turned into yesterday.  I am strong and courageous and loved by my God, my kiddos, my family and many, many wonderful friends.  THAT is what I have to focus on.  The rest I have to just hand over to God and let go of.  I have to TRUST HIM.  

So I'm going to share the video and lyrics to one of my very favorite songs by one of my favorite artists of all time (who just happened to grow up a few miles from where I did.)

Well, sometimes my life 
Just don't make sense at all 
When the mountains look so big 
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 
You have been King of my glory 
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark 
It's so hot inside my soul 
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 
You have been King of my glory 
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me 
I'd rather fight You for something 
I don't really want 
Than to take what You give that I need 
And I've beat my head against so many walls 
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And the Salvation Army band 
Is playing this hymn 
And Your grace rings out so deep 
It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 
You have been King of my glory 
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory 
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The first day . . .

It really is the first day of the rest of my life.

I signed the divorce papers yesterday.  On Leap Day.  Ironic.

Last night was hard.  It was really, really hard.  I felt like a big fat failure.  I was so sad and so angry and I just wanted to curl up and die.  And that made me even more upset - because I didn't want to feel that way anymore!

I actually did pretty well in front of people, I'm sure they knew I wasn't in a great mood - but I didn't really talk about it.  And I went into my business to work on a few things and didn't really talk about it.  I left to go home and as I was driving, my cell phone rang.  My business partner called me and said "I forgot to tell you to hang in there; this is a good thing."  And then the tears started and didn't stop for quite some time.  I knew it was a good thing - but it was so hard to comprehend at that moment.

Luckily, I got home before my kids went to bed.  And my youngest, who is sleeping in my bed right now, was so happy I was there in time to read to her.  We've been reading Shel Silverstein poems and she usually passes out after only 3.

I didn't want to take the time to read, I wanted to shut myself in the bathroom and cry my eyes out.  But I didn't even question it.  I put on my pajamas, crawled into bed with her and read to her.  As she fell asleep, I looked down at her and realized that I should have been doing this for years.  She is already 8 years old - and I let the sadness and stress that was our lives bog me down into not being the Mom I've always wanted to be.  I used to sing them to sleep every night.  I used to read to them as often as possible.  And then it just stopped.    I would put them to bed and go downstairs and work on the computer and retreat into my own, safe little world.  How much have I already missed out on?  How did I let this happen to us?

As I brushed her hair out of her face, I let out a tiny sob and she woke up and looked at me.  She cuddled up closer to me and asked me to read some more.  And so I did.  I was exhausted and sad - but my little girl needed me.

After she was really asleep, I went downstairs to talk to my Mom and StepDad who have been helping me out a few days a week.  If you've ever read my other blog, you may notice that they are not mentioned.  There was a reason for that.  We had not spoken in six years.  There were many reasons why, but one of the biggest ones is that she tried to tell me that she was concerned about the situation with my husband and with our newly adopted children.  And I didn't want to hear it.  I was already in denial.  And I know, even now, that I had to move away and learn things for myself.  I had to get out and grow up.  But Mom saw the writing on the wall and spent those six years praying for our safety.  And even though it is probably exhausting for her to drive an hour every week to come and help out with three young, very exuberant children . . . she does it.  Why?  Because her little girl needs her.
When I went to sleep last night - I slept better than I have in a long time.

Today, we woke up, we got ready and we headed for our day.  We had a few struggles with sleepy, grumpy kids - but nothing like I've dealt with in the past.  After I dropped each of them off to their respective schools - I turned my radio on - and Matthew West's "Only Grace" was playing at exactly this point:

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun 

You just go ahead and try and convince me that God didn't orchestrate that!!  The only time I've cried today was while I was writing this post - but they weren't soul crushing tears - they were restorative.  I think I'm ready to start this new adventure that God has planned for me.

Please enjoy listening to the entire song included in the video below.  I hope and pray that each of you have a great day as well!!

P.S.  thanks Mom