Thursday, March 8, 2012

Keeping the anger monster at bay . . . barely.

I'm going to be honest.  I've started several posts over the past several days.  They were born out of anger and bitterness and a sense of injustice.  I'm still writing them.  But I probably won't publish them.

Yesterday I was informed that my ex is already moving in with his new girlfriend.  I have never felt so angry.  I literally did not know how to react or how to stop being angry.  I am usually a peaceful person - and yesterday I was a walking example of the exact opposite of peace.

I know, I know.  People who know the situation are probably saying . . .

  • Who cares?  You're better off!
  • His true colors will come out - don't worry.
  • Why do you care?  You got rid of him - let her have him.
  • Move on.
I know that all of these things are most likely true - but you need to understand something about me.  When I gave my heart - I gave all of it.  When I care about someone or something, I jump in with both feet, both hands, my whole entire being.  When I said "I do" - I expected it to be forever.  This week, I walked out in the back yard and found a stone I'd purchased for our anniversary one year that says "Grow Old Along With Me" with our names and anniversary date.  I started crying and couldn't breathe.

How can anyone, after 10  years of marriage and adopting 3 children together move on so easily?  A good friend of mine helped me realize that my reactions and emotions are normal.  But my issue is that I just cannot comprehend how he does NOT hurt like this.  And part of me WANTS him to hurt like this.  And it angers me that people around him talk about how much he has changed and how different he is and how happy he looks.  DOES ANYONE CARE THAT HE SHATTERED A FAMILY TO GET TO THIS POINT?  Or that people said the same thing about him when he met me?  (oops, there's that anger monster rearing its head again.)

I was angry and hurt for myself - but mostly, I was angry and upset about what his actions are showing to our children.  They finally were brave enough to tell the truth so that I could start protecting them.  And now - he has a new family.  What are they learning about love?  About marriage?  How is it fair that these babies have had so much hurt and loss in their young lives and he just perpetuated it?  Why is it fair that they are well-behaved and happy when they are with him, because they are still afraid to be real and then they come home to me and act up because they are finally able to let their confusion of emotions out?  IT ISN'T FAIR.  But I cannot change it.  I can only do the best that I can and help the kids as much as possible when they are with me.  It is so hard to go from acceptance and a 'readiness to move on' one day to complete and utter despair and anger the next.  It's exhausting.

Last night - I honestly did not think I could do it anymore.  I could not stop crying.  My youngest daughter was having the same issues.  The two of us took a walk with our dogs and I cried the whole time.  She held my hand.  She didn't say anything except to ask me every few minutes if I was okay.  When we got home, I told her we would get through it together.  One step at a time.  She curled up next to me in bed and I sang "In the Garden" as she fell asleep.  I just kept holding on to the "And He walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His own."  And I thanked God for the strong women in my life who were/are examples that I WILL live through this.

Another good friend sent me a message to remind me that my worth does not come from my ex-husband.  And that nothing that he and his new girlfriend do define who I am.  I needed to hear that.  I am not the angry/weepy mess that I turned into yesterday.  I am strong and courageous and loved by my God, my kiddos, my family and many, many wonderful friends.  THAT is what I have to focus on.  The rest I have to just hand over to God and let go of.  I have to TRUST HIM.  

So I'm going to share the video and lyrics to one of my very favorite songs by one of my favorite artists of all time (who just happened to grow up a few miles from where I did.)

Well, sometimes my life 
Just don't make sense at all 
When the mountains look so big 
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 
You have been King of my glory 
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark 
It's so hot inside my soul 
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 
You have been King of my glory 
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me 
I'd rather fight You for something 
I don't really want 
Than to take what You give that I need 
And I've beat my head against so many walls 
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And the Salvation Army band 
Is playing this hymn 
And Your grace rings out so deep 
It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 
You have been King of my glory 
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory 
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

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