I signed the divorce papers yesterday. On Leap Day. Ironic.
Last night was hard. It was really, really hard. I felt like a big fat failure. I was so sad and so angry and I just wanted to curl up and die. And that made me even more upset - because I didn't want to feel that way anymore!
I actually did pretty well in front of people, I'm sure they knew I wasn't in a great mood - but I didn't really talk about it. And I went into my business to work on a few things and didn't really talk about it. I left to go home and as I was driving, my cell phone rang. My business partner called me and said "I forgot to tell you to hang in there; this is a good thing." And then the tears started and didn't stop for quite some time. I knew it was a good thing - but it was so hard to comprehend at that moment.
Luckily, I got home before my kids went to bed. And my youngest, who is sleeping in my bed right now, was so happy I was there in time to read to her. We've been reading Shel Silverstein poems and she usually passes out after only 3.
I didn't want to take the time to read, I wanted to shut myself in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. But I didn't even question it. I put on my pajamas, crawled into bed with her and read to her. As she fell asleep, I looked down at her and realized that I should have been doing this for years. She is already 8 years old - and I let the sadness and stress that was our lives bog me down into not being the Mom I've always wanted to be. I used to sing them to sleep every night. I used to read to them as often as possible. And then it just stopped. I would put them to bed and go downstairs and work on the computer and retreat into my own, safe little world. How much have I already missed out on? How did I let this happen to us?
As I brushed her hair out of her face, I let out a tiny sob and she woke up and looked at me. She cuddled up closer to me and asked me to read some more. And so I did. I was exhausted and sad - but my little girl needed me.
After she was really asleep, I went downstairs to talk to my Mom and StepDad who have been helping me out a few days a week. If you've ever read my other blog, you may notice that they are not mentioned. There was a reason for that. We had not spoken in six years. There were many reasons why, but one of the biggest ones is that she tried to tell me that she was concerned about the situation with my husband and with our newly adopted children. And I didn't want to hear it. I was already in denial. And I know, even now, that I had to move away and learn things for myself. I had to get out and grow up. But Mom saw the writing on the wall and spent those six years praying for our safety. And even though it is probably exhausting for her to drive an hour every week to come and help out with three young, very exuberant children . . . she does it. Why? Because her little girl needs her.
When I went to sleep last night - I slept better than I have in a long time.
Today, we woke up, we got ready and we headed for our day. We had a few struggles with sleepy, grumpy kids - but nothing like I've dealt with in the past. After I dropped each of them off to their respective schools - I turned my radio on - and Matthew West's "Only Grace" was playing at exactly this point:
You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun
You just go ahead and try and convince me that God didn't orchestrate that!! The only time I've cried today was while I was writing this post - but they weren't soul crushing tears - they were restorative. I think I'm ready to start this new adventure that God has planned for me.
Please enjoy listening to the entire song included in the video below. I hope and pray that each of you have a great day as well!!
P.S. thanks Mom