Starting to see the sunlight . . .

You can usually tell when I'm drowning - because I don't take the time to write.  I had some rough emotional days - but I survived them.  And little by little, my attitude and my outlook are beginning to change.

A couple of weeks ago - I attended my first Celebrate Recovery meeting.  My whole life - I have been someone who is not a big fan of "group therapy" type settings.  I never wanted to go to Weight Watchers or any type of group setting "recovery" meeting.  I just didn't feel like sitting face to face with a bunch of strangers and pouring out my fears and my failures.  I'm still not a fan - but I'm getting better.  Celebrate Recovery - just felt right to me, from the first moment I read about it.  But it still took me over a month, and a push from my mother, to attend my first meeting.  And I survived.  And I knew it was going to be a good thing for me.  But last week, on the night of the meeting, a few things happened to derail my positive attitude and I didn't want to be around other people.  I didn't want to feel better.  I didn't want to recover.

But I didn't cover up my head and sleep like I wanted to.  Instead - I took my family out to eat.  And watched them laugh and enjoy their time together.  And then we went and bought ice cream and made super-duper high calorie sundaes.  Was that physically healthy?  No.  Did it pull me out of my dark hole?  Yep.  For that moment - it was what we needed to do.  And it wasn't the food - it was the time with my family and the smiles on my babies' faces that pulled me out of the darkness.  And this week, I will try my best to get back to that Recovery meeting and learn the things I need to learn to heal from all of the things that got me to this point in my life.

My husband signed the final divorce papers today.  I will probably sign them this afternoon.  And I can't help but feel so much sadness over the things that will not be.  Over the loss of so many dreams.  For years, I begged my husband to get help for his anger issues.  And for whatever reason - he just couldn't do it.  It wasn't until there was no other choice that he finally sought the help he needed.  And he seems to be healing.  And people talk about how much he has changed.  And all I feel is anger and hurt over the fact that he wasn't willing to do that for me.  And that he already has someone new to share his changed life with.  And I'm still here trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered family and three kids who don't understand why things have to be this way.

But you know what?  We're going to be okay.

I know that God has a plan for all of this.  And that some day - I won't hurt like I do right now.  The hurt is already lessening.  And thanks to a good friend - I am realizing that if I DIDN'T feel this hurt - that if I was able to just move on without hurting - then that would NOT be normal.  I have to go through the mourning process.  But guess what comes after mourning?  DANCING!!!

Psalm 30:11-12 says this:

You did it: you changed wild lament 

into whirling dance; 

You ripped off my black mourning band 

and decked me with wildflowers. 

I'm about to burst with song; 

I can't keep quiet about you. 

God, my God, 

I can't thank you enough.

There have been many times in my life where I was so lost.  I didn't know what was going to happen in my life.  I was so scared.  And in many of those times - I have remembered this song that I used to sing.  The first time I heard it was when I had just dropped out of college, I was 20 and I'd driven to Johnson City, Tennessee to see my good friend over Easter break.  It was the first time I'd been away from my family on a holiday.  It was the first time I'd driven that far by myself.  I had no idea what I was going to do next.  The night before I was supposed to leave (I had to work the next evening), I couldn't sleep and I was afraid if I fell asleep I wouldn't get up in time to make the drive and get to work.  So at around 2:30 a.m. I got up, got my stuff and started driving.  And as the sun was rising over the mountains just before I drove out of Tennessee into Kentucky - this song came on the radio.  It is by Christian group, Sierra.  I can't find a video of the song - but here are the lyrics.

Photo by John Starnes

I Know You Know

I can trust and choose Your will for me

Or I can choose to trust my own

But every time I do I end up on my knees

Longing for Your arms to lift me up

I can take the roads You lead me down

Or I can turn and go my way

But every time I do I end up on my knees

Longing for Your arms to lift me up

I know You know just what I need

I know You have a plan for me

So I'm gonna take Your lead

And I won't worry what the future holds

'Cause I know You know

I can hear just what You have to say

Or I can hear just what I want

But every time I do I end up on my knees

Longing for your arms to lift me up

Lord, You're faithful in everything, everything

You're the rock I'm leaning on

I know You know just what I need

I know You have a plan for me

So I'm gonna take Your lead

And I won't worry what the future holds

'Cause I know You know

I'm trusting.  So here's to the newest adventure.