Hurt people hurt people - but we don't have to take it . . .

This is one major thing that I am learning.  Everyone has their hangups.  Everyone has times when they act in a way that is out of their own character.  Usually - this happens when a person gets hurt.  When you are hurt worse than you've ever been hurt before - whether you mean to or not - you will most likely let some of that hurt spill over onto someone else close to you.  I know I have done this.  And when I realize it, I try my hardest to make it up to that person.  The people who do NOT realize what is happening when they let their own hurt, hurt others - or realize it and don't care . . . that is when it is not okay anymore - and when you have to choose to do something about it.

Several months ago, I saw the following picture - and it made me choke up and cry - because I FELT what was being represented in this picture.

Remember the old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"?  Whoever made up that statement obviously had never dealt with emotional abuse.  Sometimes, emotional/verbal abuse can leave scars that last a lot longer than any bruise from physical abuse.  And those who live with emotional abuse for long periods of time often ended up abusing others the same way.  It is the only thing they know how to do.  HOWEVER, that does NOT excuse the behavior.

I'm one of those people who always roots for the underdog.  I look for the good in the people that others would simply write off as "evil" or "bad".  I refuse to believe that everyone doesn't have good in them somewhere.  Unfortunately - when you are someone who stands up for the underdog, who wants to reach out and love the hurting . . . you are going to end up getting hurt in the process.  And there comes a time in these situations when you have to decide what is best for you.  Do you continue to stay in the abusive situation because you know that the abuser was hurt terribly as a child?  Do you continue to pray that the abuser will finally change this time?  Do you take the chance that the longer you stay in the abusive situation that you are going to start abusing others in the same way because the hurt is going to start spilling out whether you want it to or not?

No one can make these decisions for you.  No one made them for me.  I just got to a point where I no longer knew who I really was anymore - because the hurt that was being spilled onto me was becoming the negative voice in my head as well.  I began to believe that I was worthless.  I began to hide from the world.  I was living a half life.  And my kids were suffering - and I was so far gone, I didn't even notice.

And if emotional/verbal abuse does that to an adult - imagine what it does to a child who is just trying to figure out who they are?  Here is another picture that brings the point home.

I am no expert on the effects of verbal and emotional abuse.  I can only tell you what I know and what I have witnessed.  All I know is that words DO hurt.  And there comes a time when you have to decide for yourself that you are WORTH getting away from a situation that only gets more painful every single day.

And that's what I did.  

Has the pain stopped?  No.  Do I still hurt every day?  Yes.  But not because of what is being said to me - now I'm fighting with my own voice.  I have to relearn about me.  I have to retrain myself.  I have to learn to love myself.  And that is so hard when you don't feel worthy of any kind of love.  My sister-in-law told me a long time ago that when you look in the mirror, you should try to imagine yourself the way that God sees you.  And He sees you as a beautiful, unique individual that He loves so much that He gave up His Son to death . . . for you . . . before you even existed.  So, I'm trying to focus on that.

I chose to stop letting hurt spill on to me - and now I have to continually focus on not letting my hurt spill onto others.  Every day I am trying to help my children do the same thing in their own lives.  I don't want any of them having to write something like this when they are 30+ years old.  

So I read a lot.  I try and understand.  And I am learning to forgive and move on.  (Which is a lot different than forgiving and FORGETTING in this case.  That is not always a good idea.)

I found this great blog by someone who has gone through emotional abuse - and she lists many things that can constitute emotional/verbal abuse.  As I read through the list - I was thinking "Ouch, even I've done that."  But she makes a very great point:  

"Emotional abuse is considered by many to be the most painful form of violence and the most detrimental to self-esteem. This may because it last so long without any intervention or acknowledgement. It can slowly eat away at the person’s self-confidence and sense of self. Now I don’t want everyone reading this to start thinking they are being emotionally abused or the abuser, because that’s not true. We’ve all done this things from time to time, we’re human and fallible so some of these things we’ve had or loved ones have done but emotional abuse has a clear and consistent pattern. Even if it’s unconsciously it has to have that clear and consistent pattern to be emotional abuse."  (read the full article here)

I was in a pattern.  I truly believe that I was almost to the point where I would never break free.  And only God knows what would have happened if I had not made the choice to break that pattern.  I owe a lot to my children for choosing to break the pattern in their own lives by finally telling me what I needed to know to wake up and make a change for all of us.  They were much braver than I could have ever been alone.

So every day - we work on our crazy messed up emotions.  We don't always get it right, but we do always apologize, forgive and move on.  Because we are worth it.  And yes - I'm going to use a lion image again . . . because this picture brings home the point that we are worthy because of God's love for us.

 

Some people don't have awesome kids like mine.  Some people are dealing with their hurts all alone.  And my hope is that blogs like this - and the ones I'm reading will help those people realize that they are not alone.  That there are others who've gone through it and survived (or are in process).  But no one is ever alone.

I hope you enjoy this song by Meredith Andrews, "You're Not Alone."  

Don't give up!