I don't have that luxury now. I have 3 kiddos who are expecting ME to tell THEM how to handle this. And they have 3 different personalities. And they are each dealing with this situation in completely different ways. Honestly - I don't often have the answers for them. So what do I do? I have to show them that I am capable of dealing with my own grief, stress, anger in a positive way. Have I been doing this very well? No. I haven't. Am I getting better at it? Slowly, but surely.
Thankfully, the one thing we have available to us now as parents is this wondrous thing called the Internet. (What did I do before GOOGLE?) Can't get the computer to work? Google it and figure out how to fix it. Can't fix it? Google a computer repair specialist! So yes, I admit it - I have been Google-ing a lot of things on how to handle my emotions and how to help the children, etc.
Yesterday, I found a really cool site called Parent Coach Plan. There are a lot of free things you can print out to help organize your family and help all of you to know what expectations are and rewards/consequences for fulfilling/not fulfilling their expectations. I really and truly believe that structure is a huge thing in getting through the rough times. So that even when life throws you curve balls - you still have a system in place to handle things that come up. It gives us all some degree of security. I am usually a "fly by the seat of my pants" type of person - but I always do better when I follow a structured plan!
I encourage you to check out this site (and many others available) if you are struggling with your many roles as wife, ex-wife, parent, bread-winner, etc. If anything, it proves to you that you are not alone in what you are dealing with.
The best thing I found on this site was not something to implement with your children - but something to use as a reminder as a parent. It is called "Reminders from your Child" written in the child's voice to help us remember the important things that they need from us. I printed copies of this and I plan to put it on my refrigerator.
(Italicized parts added by me)
- Avoid spoiling me. I know quite well that I don't need everything that I ask for, I am only testing you.
Yes, in times of struggle - it is sometimes easy to feel bad for what the kids are going through and give them whatever they want. I've already been guilty of this - and once you realize you need to stop, it is a HUGE struggle with the children. Believe me . . . don't ever start spoiling . . . it is easier in the long run if you don't.
- Let me be silly sometimes. I know that it can be annoying, but I am having fun.
You come home from work, you're exhausted and your kids are running around the house like someone put speed in their juice boxes. Before you get frustrated - tell them you need a few minutes of Mommy time. I usually retreat to my bedroom for about 10 minutes to transition from Employee to Mommy. If you take the time to do this - you will be able to join in their fun and make new memories.
- Catch me being good. Just like you, I like to be told when I am doing good.
I am a feedback junkie. When in college online, I would turn in an assignment and then continually come back and check to see if it was graded yet. People need feedback of all kinds to grow - but it is really important to encourage our children (and each other) when we are doing good! The more encouragement kids get, the better they will feel about themselves and the more they will want to repeat that good behavior!
- Be the parent. There's no reason that I should have more control in this family than you.
Ugh. This one is a struggle for me. Especially with my girls. They both think they know what is best for everyone in the house. They both get called "Bossy Flossy" quite often. (Yes, they called me that as a child too - so how is it that I'm letting these kids tell me what to do??) My advice on this one? Don't argue. Don't let them argue. Teach them that in the moment, they need to do what you say without arguing. If they want to come back and discuss it in a calmer moment - then they can - but in the moment where you are giving an instruction, don't give into justifications and arguments.
- Encourage healthy habits. It's difficult to become physically fit when I am constantly sitting in front of the TV with a bag of chips and a soda.
Again, another struggle for me. I'm an emotional eater. My kids and I have all discussed that pop and candy are no longer going to live in our house and it went over like a lead balloon. Make sure you have fresh fruit and veggies available for snacks. Encourage kids to drink water. And take at least 20 minutes to do something active. Play the Wii. Turn on some music and dance around like crazy people. Walk around the block. Go to the park. Healthy eating and exercise really do improve your mood! (Note to self: Izzy, Practice what you preach.)
- Involve yourself in my education - because if you don't care about it, then neither do I.
Check your kids' backpacks/folders every day. Check with teachers to see what your kids are struggling with. Find educational board games/computer games etc. to help supplement their education. Turn simple things into learning experiences. If your kids are struggling - don't reprimand - try to find the reason for the struggle and enlist outside help if needed. If they're doing well - PRAISE THEM!!
- Avoid bailing me out of trouble each time I make a mistake - sometimes I need to experience the pain of consequences.
This can be really hard. Especially in situations like mine where the kids are already struggling so much. Realize that we all need to make mistakes to learn and grow. Make sure you let kids know you've been there and you understand - but that they have to know their actions have consequences. Most importantly, make sure they know you love them no matter what.
- Sometimes it's difficult for me to express my feelings. Please try to understand my feelings instead of just reacting to them.
Many adults have a difficult time remembering what it felt like to be 8, 11, 14. Before you react to something that seems ridiculous in your eyes - try and think back to when you were your child's age: you did dumb things, you overreacted, and you let your emotions rule a lot of the time. (And if you say you didn't, you either don't remember or you're lying to yourself.) Be as understanding as possible and encourage your child to talk to you about how they feel.
- Be approachable when I need someone to talk to. If you are not, then I will seek comfort in someone who is.
And who knows what type of person that will be! If every time your child comes to talk to you, you are too busy, too cranky, too tired - eventually they will find someone else who will talk to them - and the advice that person gives may be nothing like what you want your child to learn! Your children should always feel safe and able to talk to you when they need to. And if they tell you they aren't comfortable talking with you about something - find a trusted person that you both feel would be a good fit in the situation!
- Encourage me to join a team, organization, club, or activity. My self-esteem will improve and I will learn valuable life lessons.
When I was in school, my mother was just as involved (sometimes MORE involved) in my activities (and there were many) as I was. I never thought I would be the Mom who felt that Saturday morning games and activities were just something to pull me out of the nice warm cozy bed I'd like to stay in. Some Moms are capable of going to every activity - and others aren't. I don't think that either way is wrong. If you work a lot and don't think you can fit in an activity for your child - enlist one of those crazy moms who goes to everything and see if they are willing to let your child ride along with them. It takes a village, right? HOWEVER - make an effort to see as many games, performances, etc. as you can because children KNOW when you aren't there to support them. If you cannot be there - just make sure you talk to your child about it ahead of time and see if you can find a family member or good friend to go in your place.
- Be the best role-model that you can be. You may not be a sports hero or a rock star, but I look up to you and learn a lot from how you act and how you treat others.
Children see EVERYTHING. They hear more than you think. And their memories are long. (I know MINE is!) They see how you treat your ex. They see how you treat the waiter/waitress at the restaurant. They witness your road rage. They see how you handle your own stress. And they take their cues from you. Keep that in mind. And if you happen to screw up in front of them - talk to them about it! Don't ignore it and think they didn't notice. Believe me, they did.
- Love me. I know it's difficult at times, but I love you.
Saved the best for last. Above all - make sure that no matter how frustrated, upset, disappointed you may be with your child that they know without a doubt that it will not change how much you love them. My Grandma and Mom always taught me not to go to bed angry. If you have issues with your child - make sure you sit down and talk them out, hug, cry, and forgive before you fall asleep. Everyone will sleep better. No parent is perfect. No child is perfect. We are all going to mess up. But as long as there is love . . . it will work out.
Nope, I'm not perfect. And I'm not doing all of the things in this list the way that I should. But I'm going to try my best every day to be the best Mom I can to my kiddos and make sure that they know how very much I love them.
In closing, I want to tell you something I have learned. The way you start out your morning has a big effect on the way the rest of the day goes for you and for your family. If you wake up and think UGH - DON'T WANNA GET UP and grumpily get ready - then your day is probably not going to be as pleasant as it could be. Instead - quiet the grumpy voice in your head and find a way to make the morning fun. Thankfully, the awesome American Idol Contestant/Christian Artist Mandisa has found a way to help our family with mornings. Every morning, I get up, I turn on this song and put it on repeat. How can you not have a good morning after listening to this??
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