Where I am now . . .

I've been writing off and on in this blog:  http://izzybeth.blogspot.com/.  I talked about my husband, my kids, memories of family, my thoughts on things, etc.  But over the last couple of years - my writing slacked off.  Why?  Because I didn't have time.  Because I didn't have the energy.  Because I was sick.  Because it just felt like another thing to add to my to-do list that wasn't important.

The thing is . . . I love to write.  It helps me.  It is something that I do for me - not for those who read it.  But if someone happens to stumble across this blog and they relate to what I'm going through and it helps them feel a little bit less alone - well then that is why it is worth taking the time to write about what is going on in my life.

If you know me - you may have no idea what has been going on in my life.  If you know my family - some of you may not agree with what I may write in this blog - and that is fine.  But this blog is for ME.  It is also for those, like me, who struggle to find the words and the support when they're going through a rough time.  And honestly - my whole life I've worried about what "other people might think" (thanks for that one, Grandma).  I'm done being "politically correct" and worrying about offending others.  The main thing is to speak the truth in all things.  That is what I'm going to try to do.  And if you don't think I'm being honest - feel free to leave me a comment!  Life is a journey.  This healing is a process.

So here's the deal:

I am somewhere I never thought I would be.  Somewhere I did not want to be.  Somewhere I still wish I wasn't.  But I am.

I'm getting divorced.

If all goes as planned - it may be complete by the end of this month.

And I'm stuck in a maelstrom of emotions - and the only thing I can cling to is truth.

So here are my truths:

• I still love my husband.
• I am not perfect, and I have made mistakes.
• I did everything I could to make the marriage work.
• Some problems cannot be overcome, and for the safety of the family, sometimes things have to end.
• Filing for divorce is the scariest and saddest thing I've ever done.
• Filing for divorce is also one of the most courageous things I've ever done.
• I don't feel courageous.
• I feel abandoned, hurt, sad, scared, beat down, exhausted, and angry - all at once.  Almost all the time.
• My kids are my heroes for opening my eyes to what I was unable and/or unwilling to see.
• I will survive this.  One second, one minute, one day at a time.
• God is still God and he will make something amazing out of this crazy mess.

So feel free to follow me on my journey . . . or not.  It's up to you.  If you're struggling, I'd love to hear your thoughts.  If you're an encourager - feel free to do that too!

One last thing - writing and music are two things I use to de-stress.  So I will try and share my song of the day with you.  Today it is "Everything Falls" by Fee.

Hanging in there,

Iz