Tuesday, February 14, 2012

What I wish people knew . . .

In the craziness that is happening right now - there are a lot of people who just don't know how to deal with me. Some people are avoiding me.  Some people are choosing to believe things that are simply not true, as is always the situation with divorce.  Some people get angry with me because I'm not "bucking up" and dealing with my issues quickly enough.  And still others are just there - holding my hand and crying with me - admitting that they have no idea what to say.

I've been reading a lot and I came across this list called 10 Things I wish Christians Knew About a Divorced Woman.  I'm using this list as a baseline for what I would like people to know about me and what I'm going through right now.  If you look at the original list - there may be some things that I copy verbatim - because it just fits me too - but others, I have changed to fit my own situation.  (No copyright infringement intended.)
  1. It takes two people to make a marriage work.  Just because I'm getting divorced does not mean I didn't do everything in my power to save my marriage.
  2. My marriage is not ending because of some fatal flaw within me.  Don't look for one.  Don't think you know what is best for me.  Don't think you have all of the answers.  Divorce is a heavy enough burden to bear without adding SHAME to the load I already have.
  3. Just because I'm getting a divorce does not mean that all I want to do now is hang out with other single divorced women.  I need to witness HEALTHY marriages to heal.  I need my friends.  It hurts worse when I am excluded from groups, simply because I am getting divorced and people don't know what to do with me.  I'm still me.
  4. I am learning to define myself by more than just my marital status.  I am a mom of 3 awesome children, I love to read, I own an Acting/Arts company, I have dogs and cats and consider them part of my family, I de-stress by singing, playing the piano or dancing like a madwoman when no one is watching.  Please don't think the word DIVORCE is a disease or a stigma that is catching.  I'm a person who has found herself in an unavoidable circumstance.  I have a lot to offer as a friend.  Don't be afraid to approach me.
  5. I do not need you to recite Bible verses about marriage and divorce to me.  Believe me, I've read them.  I'm struggled with them.  I've screamed and cried with God over them.  What I need is love and acceptance - even if my current marital status or my unfinished healing process makes you uncomfortable.
  6. There is NO SET TIME when I will be "over it."  Healing needs to happen on many, many, many levels.  I have to double-back through my deepest wounds . . . often . . . sometimes daily . . . to learn new responses, to heal differently . . . but that does NOT mean that I am not making progress.
  7. Not everything about my soon-to-be ex is bad.  Please don't make a future positive relationship between him and my kids any harder for me by making derogatory remarks about him - ESPECIALLY in front of the children.  I have to believe that he loves his children in the best way he knows how.  And they love him.  He is the only Daddy they have ever known.
  8. This is a big one for me:  I need friends who will be sounding boards to help me think through decisions about my home, career, and parenting.  I do not need people to tell me what I "should" do or what they would do if they were in my shoes.  That only undermines my pretty much non-existent self-confidence.  Listen to me.  Let me talk.  Let me cry.  Many times - I will come to my own conclusions just by saying things out loud.
  9. If you really want to help me, encourage my children to honor their mother.  I take full responsibility for making sure that I am WORTHY of being honored . . . but on Mother's Day, my birthday, Christmas, etc. . . . my kids could use an extra push in the right direction.  They are being pulled in so many directions - but understanding how to honor their parents will help them sort out some of their confusion.
  10. I am still me.  I think parts of me have been hiding for several years - but I am still me.  And I need my friends.  I don't need people to choose sides.  I don't need anyone to fuel my anger (I've got that covered way too often).  I have been wounded beyond anything I've ever felt before.  But I am going to make it through this a better person.  Every day I learn something new about myself.  And I'm learning that I am worthy and that I do have a lot to offer people.
Here is my song for the day - "Overnight" by Amy Grant with her daughter Sarah Chapman.


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